Friday, March 27, 2015

When Life Comes Crashing Down

I was gearing up for my baptism this Sunday. With some amount of apprehension and anticipation.

After all, it's supposed to be a milestone in my walk with God.

The problem is, I don't even know if I believe in my life any more. What am I here for? What's my purpose? I'm still stuck in so many old ways that I can't or won't break. Every day is a whole new slate of failures.

Then I see a blog post from my sibling. One that says they want to disown someone (me) and another saying that they can only stay sane by ignoring my existence.

How can I walk into church and say I want to be baptized when my own family wants to reject me?

How can I aspire to save lives and do God's work out in the world when my own home is falling apart and I have no idea how to fix it? Can I even fix it in the first place, when I'm the one who broke it?

The worst thing is, I have all these poisonous thoughts running around my head now. Thoughts that tempt me to lash out in anger, to run away. To end it all permanently.

God, if you are out there and you can hear me, please tell me something. Anything.

Something that tells me things aren't beyond repair and that my absence from this world would be missed.

Something that tells me You're there and You're listening to me.

Because I feel so alone in this world right now, and I feel like it would be better off without me.
--Xiang An at 12:45 AM


Monday, January 06, 2014



So a year has come and gone; and a new one begins. To be honest, I didn't really have any great new hopes or exciting goals to look forward to when 2014 started. I still don't.

Now that my journey in NS has come to its final leg, I find myself looking back and all the things I've experienced and survived - all of the anger and frustration, joy and love, sorrow and loss. I ask myself - how have I changed as a person? We like to say NS is a rite of passage that marks the transition from boy to man... I find myself wondering if it's true for my case.

I have lived with and hung around people from different walks of life - guys my age who didn't have the education I did, who have been to prison, who have been involved in gangs. I made unlikely friends and learned to show compassion even when I wasn't given the same treatment.

I also learned a lot about God's sovereignty. My mother was in and out of the hospital during my BMT. It was ironic - the commanders telling us we were training to protect the loved ones when the enemy killing my mother was one I couldn't engage with a rifle. I was helpless and frustrated that I was stuck 6 days a week on an island away from home - not knowing if I would be able to see her the next weekend or not.

I prayed like I never had before. I prayed not only for her healing, but for God to be with my family. To give us the strength to face whatever lay ahead and that my father and sister would come to see His glory and love through this ordeal. I learned to thank Him for my mother's salvation despite her condition. It wasn't easy, not when I knew how much my mother had already been through in her life; not when cancer seemed a cruel suffering she did not deserve.

I passed out of BMT in July. Happy that both my family by blood and in Christ was there to share the moment with me, and saddened that my mother had been too weak to come and see me stand on the floating platform. Again, God blessed me with a good vocation - AFV Driver (V200). I was posted to the Air Force to operate a 14 ton armoured vehicle only 18 guys out of 3000 had the luck to do so.

Then, a month later, my mom passed away. It had always been something the whole family had prepared for - the cancer was aggressive. I guess that even with that knowledge, we assumed we had more time with her still. I remember I was still on the circuit in the Land Rover when the call came. I was being yelled at by my instructor and my phone was vibrating in my pocket endlessly - who was calling my so urgently? It wasn't five minutes after I got off the vehicle that I learned my mother passed.

Being told over a phone call surrounded by my friends in green was not how I imagined receiving the news. Everything was a blur for the next two hours - explaining to my course instructor what had happened, and getting permission to return home. I was on the verge of tears - not two days ago I was in her hospital room with the nagging thought that I should tell her all the things we never tell our parents: how much I loved her and appreciated everything she had done for me; even when I didn't see her good intentions or concern. I didn't get to tell her I was sorry I hadn't been a better son. I found out just how true it was that we regret the things left unsaid more than those we've spoken.

I broke down when I got home. I held it back while I was still in camp and all the way home. Even when I was outside alone and waiting to be picked up. Why? I asked God. Surely she deserved a long happy life surrounded by family, to see what her children would grow up to be like. Most of all, I asked Him how He could leave me without my mother so suddenly. Leave me without her guidance.

For all the talk of "becoming a man" in NS, I was just a scared little boy then. I was so unsure of where I was going or how I would get there. My mother had been such a huge source of encouragement and wisdom for me. I didn't know what to do without her. It took a lot for me to pray and tell God, "I said I would recognise your sovereignty in all things and I'll live by those words." I cried myself to sleep asking God to relay all the things I had left unsaid to her in my prayers. I found myself asking if she could hear me in heaven.

If I learned anything about God then, it was that He is faithful. He saw my family through the loss. He gave us comfort. He opened my eyes to the care and concern of my cell and close friends who were there for me. He reminded me that my mother was in a better place and freed from her pain and burdens. He saw me through my driving course safely, despite all the incidents that occurred.

Then, he taught me to grow as a man of God. 2013 was a frustrating year. There was hardly a single holiday I didn't spend in camp. I had to fly every 2 months for training with a buttload of equipment in a helicopter (which are much louder than they sound in movies) I had to deal with douchebags who worm their way out of their jobs and dumped it on me. All throughout the year, God reminded me of what it means to be Christ-like. I won't claim to have lived up to it (more often than not, I didn't) but I endeavoured to nonetheless.

I had to thank God for the many experiences I had - not many people get to see Singapore from a bird's eye view or appreciate how beautiful our nation looks at night, 45 storeys up. Not many people get to drive a tank or fly in a Super Puma. Not many people can say they stood guard while the nation celebrated its independence. Whenever I was on the road in my V2, all it took was a school bus filled with the faces of schoolchildren, excited at seeing us at our job, to cheer me up. Or the random dude on the pavement who salutes us when we pass by.

So, at the end of this journey and as a new year starts with all its promises, I thank God for seeing me through it all and my family who stood by me; for my friends and Elyon who encouraged me when I was down and made me laugh. To my friends in 3 DA  Bravo who made life fun and enjoyable, who shared memories and laughter with me throughout my time there (even the jokers who made my life difficult and required my utmost tolerance not to murder), I really couldn't have known a better bunch of guys to serve with.
--Xiang An at 9:34 PM


Sunday, February 03, 2013

When you're just too smart

That's how I've been feeling recently, regarding my feelings towards an old friend. Even talking to my cell leader reflected this - she pointed out as much that I had pretty much considered everything there is. That's my undoing - I over-think, over-analyse, and my brain gets stuffed with too much information to make a proper choice, a proper plan of action.

She did bring up a valid point question, and one I never asked myself: "Are you ready to be the spiritual head of the relationship, if there is one?"

It's a thought provoking question, to say the least. My honest answer was yes and no. In theory, I know what's expected of me, I know what I should do, how I should do it. Practice is an entirely different matter altogether, as I've proven to myself many times in the past.

You've been impulsive once. You didn't listen to your gut that time and look how things turned out. Look how you corrupted a Christian girl into falling to your level That's always been my go to argument whenever I find myself tempted to act on my feelings without thought. The lessons on what could happen if the relationship isn't godly isn't just something church leaders and pastors drum into me through sermons and cell group sharings - I've lived it, experienced it, felt the pain, guilt and shame. It's haunted me for years. Still haunts me, at times.

It's why I'll wait. Either this thing is God telling me she's the one, or it's not. The answer lies in God, not in her.

The funny thing about all this is, the fear isn't about rejection - or that things will turn out badly. Guys are used to rejection. We consider that as the girl's response before reciprocation. The problem lies when the girl accepts our feelings. While praying through this, the verses that jumped out at me while reading the Bible seemed to point towards a positive response, and that scared me more than anything. I was used to "no, she's not the one". After all, all that entails is distracting myself and not acting on my feelings, and I'll forget them in time.

When God is prodding you towards someone, when He seems to putting you two together, that's when you get terrified. Can I be the kind of man God expects me to be? Will I treat her right? Can I lay aside all my baggage and make this work? So many questions come to paralyse you, to make you lose sight and perspective. Above this noise, God's only answer to your questions is "Trust Me." Nothing else. No action plan, no schedule, no hints. Just "Trust Me." Is that enough? I hope so.

So many things in my life remain uncertain - and I trust God knows the next step, that He holds my future, but how can I rush in blind, deaf and without any intelligence? It's a suicide mission. So I'll just keep praying, keep seeking answers from Him, and I won't stop until I have them.

After all, what Christian man can be the head of a relationship if God isn't heading him?

8-8-8

On another note, I've started writing again. There are so many worlds, characters and stories in my head that I have to release some of them, let them free through writing them down so they stop making so much noise in my head.

The latest one I've been working on will probably be called a SAO clone, but I don't really care at this point. The characters I've been writing needed a setting to come to life, and I came up with one that allows me to do just that. Fanfiction lets me be lazy on the part of writing a new world, but it's quite restricting. Actually working on my own stuff... it's helping exorcise my own inner demons, or at least locking them somewhere for good.

A pray for clarity, for wisdom to do the right thing, to do Your will. Most of all, a prayer that my eyes will always look to You first.
--Xiang An at 9:54 PM


Thursday, September 20, 2012

Reaper Deals With Death


Tick tock hear the clock countdown, Wish the minute hand could be rewound
So much to do and so much I need to say
Will tomorrow be too late?

I hate to say that yes, I was one day too late.

How do you live with this kind of regret? Maybe you don't. Maybe you just hope God helps you to find solace within yourself, that even grief as great as this can be overcome with His grace.

It's been a month and a half since my mom passed. There are so many things I wished I had told her that I didn't. Things I wanted to but always put off saying because I was embarrassed.

A few months ago, on Mother's Day, I had planned to make her breakfast. To actually put some heart to celebrating this special day dedicated to her. I ended up sleeping in because I was too lazy. Now I'll never get to celebrate it with her ever again.

I suppose for all the flaws our parents have, for their imperfect ways of showing love, we will still never be able to thank them enough for raising us up and putting up with all of our bullshit. We can never be thankful enough that our parents are people who love us unconditionally and at all times, even when we hurt them. I'm thankful that my parents aren't abusive.

The last time I saw her in the hospital, I was more concerned with going out with my friends after the visit. There was a... Gut feeling? Small little voice? Telling me to tell my mom how much I loved her. To thank her for raising me and taking care of me all these years. I didn't. It felt awkward and embarrassing to say it in front of my family.

Now I'll never get the chance to say it to her again.

I'll never get to hear her nag at me about watching my weight, tease me about my female friends or bug me to go out and have a meal together. Now I'm regretting all the chances I had but rejected. Now I wish I hadn't been so selfish. Now I wish I had just one more day with her.

Maybe she can hear me from heaven, all those quiet little things I ask God to relay to her for me now that she's there in His presence. Maybe she left this world in peace and comfort knowing she left something in this world that will last longer than her lifetime. Or maybe being the great mother she was, she left still worrying about her children and how they'd face life without her to guide them.

Only You know, Abba Father, and only You can help us find peace in this grief and sorrow. I'm glad that she's no longer suffering in pain on this earth, and that she has finally found peace and everlasting joy in Your presence. I can only hope that I'll be able to see her in heaven some day and she will be smiling at me, telling me that I've lived my life the way she hoped I would, or in a way that she'd be proud of... that You'd be proud of.

It was only at her wake that I realised how great of a person my mother was. Every one of our relatives and her friends had only fond memories of all the things she's done for them throughout the years they've known her. I hope to leave behind memories like that when I pass. Even in her death she had valuable lessons to teach me. I was too childish and stubborn before to see her wisdom and concern, but now that it's gone, I can truly see how precious her love was.

Dear God,

Pass on my thanks to her on my behalf, will You? You know she deserves her well-earned rest after toiling so hard and so long. Thank You, most of all, for releasing her from this pain.

And Mom,

We'll take care of ourselves here on earth. I hope you've finally found the reward you've been searching for all your life for all the sacrifices you've made and the things you've done for those around you. I hope you enjoy eternity in heaven in His presence. Most of all, I long for the day when you can take me by the hand and show me around His kingdom and we can bask in His glory together.

--Xiang An at 10:17 PM


Thursday, July 12, 2012

I can only see in part



And the pain falls like a curtain
On the things I once called certain
I have to say the words I fear the most "I just don't know."
And the questions without answers
Come paralyse the dancer
So I stand here on the stage afraid to move
Afraid to fall
But fall I must 
On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust 


 God is God and I am not 
I can only see a part 
Of the picture He's painting 
 God is God and I am man 
So I'll never understand it all 
For only God is God 


 And the sky begins to thunder 
And I'm filled with awe and wonder 
Till the only burning question that remains
Is who am I? 


 Can I form a single mountain? 
Take the stars in hand and count them? 
Can I even take a single breath without God giving it to me? 
He is First and Last Before all that has been and all that will pass 
 God is God and I am not 
I can only see a part 
Of the picture He's painting 
 God is God and I am man 
So I'll never understand it all 
For only God is God 


 Oh how great are the riches 
Of His wisdom and knowledge 
How unsearchable 
For to Him and through Him and from Him are all things 
So let us worship before the throne 
Of the One who is worthy of worship alone 


God is God and I am not 
I can only see a part 
Of the picture He's painting 
 God is God and I am man 
So I'll never understand it all 
For only God is God 
Only God is God

Can I still sing these words sincerely, trust that He is sovereign and has a will when it means I might lose someone I hold dear? It makes everything else seem trivial in comparison, and somehow you have to draw strength from the fact that God is with me even if I don't like what He's doing.

Yeah, I'm scared, more than any other moment in my life. I'm terrified because I've barely gotten the hang of NS, of learning to protect my loved ones. I don't think I'm ready, or strong enough to do it and yet the circumstances right now aren't giving me a choice. The decisions I make now will affect my family and loved ones, and I don't know if I'm ready to make such a decision.

 It's funny how everyone assumes they'll go to uni after they finish A levels. What happens when that door shuts in your face? Find a job? Sign on? Try again? Retake my A levels? Grah. So many things to consider, and so many people are watching me to see what I do and pressuring to make the "right" decision, or choose the one they want you to make.

 So I have to say the words I fear the most. I just don't know.
--Xiang An at 9:53 PM


Saturday, January 07, 2012

I hate this part of the year

1. My mom drags me to buy new “fashionable” clothing for Chinese New Year.

2. The amount of BS I’ll have to endure up till “Singles Awareness Day” (to those happily attached, it’s read [Your displays of affection are irritating]

3. The fact that for the past 13 years of my life, my birthday has been so close to the freaking EXAMS.

4. That no one remembers my birthday, even if I enabled it on facebook (last year)
Note: I do appreciate those who do, though.
Note2: My mom actually exchanged a cake like 2 weeks early last year and when I thought it was an early celebration… She said “Oh yeah your birthday’s coming”
Note3: My church friends also only recalled the occasion after service when we were about to leave (my birthday was on Sunday)

5. I have to choose between large red packets (which go to my mom) or birthday presents (where nobody has given something I liked for a really long time)
Note: I know this sounds selfish and spoilt, but it’s more the idea that people obviously aren’t sincere enough to think through a proper gift or take note of what I like and don’t like.

6. My birthday seems to be a busy period for quite a few people (again, school exams or just CNY celebrations most years) and thus I’ve never been able to properly celebrate with the people I care about.

As much as I laugh when people say I fit the forever alone meme perfectly... I think my life has been fitting this meme before it even started.
--Xiang An at 3:14 AM


Monday, December 12, 2011

Insecurities, Fear

Probably the things bugging me now. Yeah, I know, a sorry mood to be in now that A levels are over and I've got a good, long holiday to enjoy myself before enlisting, but that's the problem.

Enlistment

I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to handle being in an army, on some forsaken island for an extended period of time, for the next 2 years. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the comforts of home, and for a shut-in, insecure dude like me, being thrown in the military with a bunch of strangers is probably going to freak me out like nobody's business. I'm kind of afraid I'll snap, actually.

Part of me wants to run in fear, to look for any way out... but at the end of the day I can't evade responsibility and pain forever, can I? I've got to learn to bite the bullet and push through the suffering sooner or later. I pray, as hard as I can, that God grants me strength for the 2 years ahead, and to prepare me for requirements of army life. Still, I'm not sure what is going to come my way. I always freeze when things are expected of me, when a mantle of responsibility is thrown my way.

I sucked at practically everything in scouts, I fumbled my way through my time in SFC, not knowing what the hell I was doing and just hoping that somehow, I got it right. I guess at the end of the day, I'm still a frightened little boy who hasn't grown up and matured in some areas, or learned some of the skills I should have. Somehow I get the feeling NS won't be as forgiving.

In two months, I'll be 20. It seems like a big transition from one stage of life to another and yet I can't help but think I'm sorely unprepared for it, unwilling to grow up and enter another fight when I've barely survived the past few.

Dark thoughts and emotions fill me, and they're tempting. How long can I resist the urge to do something stupid, to evade the problems longer? I pray for help, but I know God doesn't provide an easy way out, only the hope that I'll come out stronger, that this baptism of fire will refine me into the man He sees... Yet I can't help but think the heat might just break me.
--Xiang An at 9:42 PM